I Never Meant to Hurt You
by Tivaheartbreak15
Summary: This story takes place about a year after Tony leaves Ziva in Israel. Tony goes to find Ziva, but is surprised by what he discovers. Seeing him makes her realize things. In turn will make her have to make so decisions, but making them in time will be the question. TIVA.
1. Chapter 1

**Good evening, or good morning, I am here with another story about the lovely Tony and Ziva. I hope you like it. Please let me know what you think and everything. I love your feedback, I take it into consideration every time I write a new chapter, so please, please let me know what you think. **

**Also I would like to thank my lovely assistant if you will, Colleen, she has helped me with the motivation to actually go through with this story, because I was nervous about posting it. Because it isn't going to be like the others that I have written. And she helped edit the sucker, so any mistakes blame her. Ha, I am just kidding, blame me as well, I did read it again after her. **

**So enough of me rambling. Here is the first chapter of I Never Meant to Hurt You. :)**

**-Ju**

* * *

He had went a year without her in his life, without so much as an email, a text or a phone call. Everyone told him to move on, she wanted to move on and so should he. It is funny that everyone tells him that, because everyone that told him to didn't know what it was like loving someone who you knew was your soul-mate and he let her go without so much of a real fight. The only one that hasn't told him to move on is Gibbs. And he understood why he has, and why he won't, because Gibbs still hasn't moved on from Shannon and never will. So he feels as if Gibbs is the only one who understands him.

Yeah, he knew that Ziva isn't dead, but she's sure as hell is acting like she is. She won't answer any of his phone calls, texts, or emails. He really just needs to know that she is alright, especially because of the way he left her in Israel. He remembers her just standing there on that tarmac alone, shaking. He only left because she asked him to, he would have quit NCIS for her if she would have asked him to stay, but she never did.

He since he came home from Israel he hadn't slept through a single night. He had lost weight, he doesn't watch movies anymore, and doesn't even recognize himself anymore. Every time he tries to close his eyes he sees her face, which is what makes him fall asleep, because he knows that she is always there in his dream, but he always wakes up from some form of an terrible nightmare. Either where she is back in that terrorist camp being held captive, or where she is leaving him on tarmac, like he did her. The worst time was when she came back to D.C. to invite the team to her wedding, but she didn't invite him because of everything that had happened. But he always woke up before he saw the ends, and he couldn't be happier that he never saw how they played out.

After thinking about what he was about to do for almost a year now, he had thought about it the moment he got off that plane back from Israel. So he walked up the stairs to Director Vance's office, where he would met Gibbs and Vance. He walked through the doors, palms sweating. He couldn't believe that he was actually going to do this.

"What was so important that you need to meet us in my office before 7:00, DiNozzo," Director Vance asked curiously.

"Well, I am here…to um, asked for permission to have some time off of work," Tony nervously stated.

"How much time and why, DiNozzo?" Vance pressed.

"Well, I am sure that you can see that I am not in the best of shape, and I want to have some time to find myself and fix it before it is too late," Tony answered calmly.

"Okay, I will give you two weeks, and that is it, as long as that is alright with Gibbs," Director Vance, looked at Gibbs who nodded his approval.

With Gibbs nod, Tony was out of that office as fast as he could walk, he said his goodbyes to McGee, Abby, Ducky and Palmer. Of course Abby was hysterical when Tony told them that he was going to take leave. He didn't even bother telling Bishop. He didn't care if she knew that he was leaving for a while, he only cared about where he was going.

After he finished his goodbyes, he went to his apartment to grab his suit case and head to the airport. He had already packed his bags and booked his flight. He was prepared to quit today if he had to. He was going to make this trip to Israel.

He could just picture himself knocking on her door with his big charming DiNozzo smile when she answered. He would tell her how much he had missed her, and she would counter the same. Then they would talk for hours about what they had missed within the year of being away from each other. It would be like old times, they would laugh and he would just be happy knowing that she was right in front of him safe and hopefully ready to take the next step with him. And if she was willing to do so, he was prepared to make the call to NCIS, and give them the news that he wasn't coming back from his much needed trip. Because he had found himself, in Israel, with the woman he loved.

He didn't know where she was or where exactly he was going. He didn't even know what he was going to say to her when he saw her, maybe 'Hello, Sweet cheeks', he really didn't even plan the whole thing out. He went on his gut feeling that he needed to do this for himself. Because she made him whole and if he didn't take this opportunity to do this he would never be whole again.

His flight finally landed and he breathed in the humid, dusty air, and he was brought back to the last time he was here, waving goodbye to the woman he promised that she was not alone, yet he left her there, alone and crying. He just hoped that she would forgive him for leaving her there.

He knew that when he saw her for the first time since he left her on the tarmac that it was going to be emotionally exhausting for him. So he decided to go to his hotel and get some rest before making the big adventure to find her. Maybe he would start with Aunt Nettie, she surely knew where she was. Or maybe he would just start at the house that she was born in. He finally settled into his hotel room to rest his eyes, because he needed to be rested for when he reunited with his soul-mate.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, I know you all already hate me for making you wait this long for an update. I am sorry for that. Life happened. My main squeeze Colleen wouldn't edit, something about school work, like okay, Tiva Fanfiction is WAY more important. Then I had to get my computer fixed! But I am back! And I will try to not ever make you wait this long again! But I am going back to college, so that means that I will actually have to do stuff in my free time. Thank you all for the favorites, follows and reviews! **

**Also, just remember that I love you all for your support and that I want you to continue to give me support. Because you might not like me after this chapter. :/**

* * *

It was about 6:00 o'clock when he woke up and decided to start his adventure to find Ziva. He made it to her family's farm house at about a quarter till 7.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He heard footsteps approach the door. Okay, it is now or never, he thought. The door opened to reveal a man of similar stature to Tony. He had dark brown hair, with dark blue eyes, his skin was a little darker than his, but he could somewhat be his twin from far away.

"Hi, may I help you?" the man asked.

"Umm… I…" Tony was interrupted by a voice that he knew very well.

"Tanner, who is…" She stopped as she came around the corner and saw who was standing at the door. "Tony?"

"You know him, Ziva?" Tanner asked confused.

"Uh, yes. Could you give us some privacy?" She asked.

"Sure," he replied and kissed her on the head. She tensed under his kiss.

She waited for him for disappear around the corner before she went outside and shut the door. She looked at Tony, who looked sad and broken. Just like he did when Jeanne left him. "Tony, I am sorry. I did not mean for you to find out like this," she began.

"What do you mean, like this?" His voice a little strained. "Ziva, you didn't want me to find out at all."

"Tony, it is not like that," she tried.

"No, Ziva, I will tell you what it's not like. It's not like I have been waiting around for the past year, hoping and praying that you would come home…" he tried to keep his tears at bay. "That you would come home to me, but you didn't, so I came to find you. And this is what I get? For having hope that that kiss we shared on the tarmac the night that you told me to leave because you had to do this alone, had meant the same to you as it did for me?"

"It did mean the same, Tony," she felt the tears start streaming down her cheeks. "Tony, I did not want to do this alone, but I knew that if I asked you to stay, you would have, and that was not fair to you."

"Why was it your choice to decide what was fair for me, Ziva? Because you know what hasn't been fair? I haven't actually slept a full night because I have nightmares. Nightmares that you have moved on, or that you have been captured by that training camp again and the only difference is that this time, I can't save you. Then, I come here to find out that one of my worst nightmares has come true! That is what is not fair, ZeeVah," Tony yelled. He was so hurt and angry that he didn't even care if she was crying.

"Tony, please?" She begged.

"Please, what? Act like I am fine that you lied to me when you said that you needed to do this self-finding mission ALONE?" He mocked.

"I did need to do it alone, Tony. You have to believe me. I did not want you to be dragged into my past, that is why I asked you to leave," she offered.

"Okay, if you needed to do this alone, then who is Tanner? Because he seems like more than a friend," he stated sarcastically.

Ziva crossed her arms over her chest. "I met him when I went to Italy. He was on a vacation and we started talking. He reminded me of you," she looked down at her hands. "I missed you so much, Tony, that I was desperate to have someone that filled the void. And that happened to be Tanner," she finished and looked up at him, meeting his eyes.

"You know what I don't get?" Tony asked.

"What?"

"Is how you could give me your necklace that meant everything to you, just to fill the void with someone else. Your necklace was something that gave me hope that you would come back to me, but I guess I was wrong," he spat back at her.

"Did you ever think that I may have given that necklace to you because when I told you to leave me in Israel, I said and I quote, 'I have to let go of everything, or I will be pulled back to where I started.' My necklace was also part of my past that I needed to let go," she was now pissed also.

"So why didn't you just throw it away? Or pawn it?" Tony countered.

"Because…It really was supposed to be a sign to not lose hope," she admitted.

"Well, too late, Ziva, I just lost that. Me coming here was a mistake, so I am going to go. Have a nice life." He said coldly.

"Tony, don't do this," she whispered. But he just turned and left.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello fellow readers, I am extremely sorry for taking so long for an update. I started college again, so I actually have a life again, which really sucks, I rather not have a life and do nothing but work on Fanfiction all day. **

**But anywho, this chapter is more of a filler, and I am not as happy with the way it turned out as I wanted to be, so again I am sorry for that. Also we probably have one or two chapters left after this one. **

**Thank you all so very much for all the follows/favorites and reviews on this story, I truly appreciate it more than words can express! :) So no more of my useless rambling, here is chapter 3, enjoy! :)**

**-Ju **

* * *

Tony ran to his car, faster than he thought possible. He had to get out of there. He made his way to the hotel. He needed to cool down, he need time to actually realize what was going on. So when he got to his room, he just laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

A couple of minutes had passed when he heard a knock at the door. Slowly he got up, and went to the door to answer it. He opened the door without even thinking.

"What the hell do you want?" Tony barked.

"Tony, please just let me talk to you," Ziva begged. She had followed him all the way from her house. She needed to talk to him, actually talk to him, explain to him. She felt awful for what just happened, and she needed to fix it. Or at least try.

"What is there to talk about, ZeeVah?"

"Everything," she simply stated as the tears started to well up in her eyes.

"I think that you said everything you had to say when HE answered the door," Tony emphasized the word he.

"Tony, please, just let me in," she tried to grab his forearm.

"Fine, come in," Tony gave in. No matter how mad at her his was he always would give in to her.

"Thank you," she offered him a sad smile as she walked passed him and sat on the bed.

"So you wanna talk, talk," he stated calmly.

"Tony, I never meant to hurt you, I just figured that you would move on from me. That is why I never came back. I did not want to come back if you had moved on because of the way that I would feel seeing you with someone else. It would be torture seeing you with someone else. I am sure that it would feel just about the same way you are feeling right now. But never in a million years would I think that you would fly across the world to find me again. After I told you that I had to do this alone," Ziva stated.

"Well Ziva, that is what people do when they love someone, they fight for what they have. And obviously I was wrong in thinking that you loved me, like I love you," he with pain evident in his voice.

"Tony, I did…I do love you, like you love me, I promise. I just thought that I would never see you again, because I just assumed that you moved on," she looked at her hands in lap.

"Exactly, Ziva, you assumed. You should have called, emailed, or hell you should have came home. And then you would have known that I didn't move on. And you know what makes this whole thing even worse is the fact that you even thought for a second that I could have…" he trailed off as emotion started to creep up his throat.

Tears were now spilling over the edge of her eyes, "I just want you to be happy, Tony that is all. And I thought that by you moving on it would make you happy."

"Just like moving on has made you happy?" He snapped back.

"Tanner is just a guy. He means nothing to me. I never said that I moved on," she retorted.

"Could've fooled me," he scuffed.

"Tony, stop. I know that you are pissed at me. But doesn't mean that you have to act like a child," she pointed out.

"Pissed, is just one of the many things that I am, Ziva. But right now, hurt is the biggest."

Hearing Tony say that really hit her hard, how could she do this to him? To the only man that she has truly ever loved, and that has only ever cared for her in ways no one else has. "I think that I should go, all I am doing by staying is making things worse. I am sorry that I hurt you in all of this, I never meant to," she got up from the bed and made her way to the door, and when she got there she turned around and said "Hey, Tony, I do not expect you to ever forgive me, but I hope that one day you do." And before he was able to say anything she was gone.

Gone from his sight. Gone from his room. Gone from his life. Never in his dreams did he expect for this to happen. He thought that he would come to Israel and sweep her off her feet and they would finally live happily ever after. But boy did he get it wrong.

Ziva started driving back to that farm house, trying not to cry as the memories from her eight year partnership with Tony came flooding her mind. From the first time they met, to Somalia and Berlin. She never expected Tony love her the way he did. She always thought that the love of his life would be someone like Jeanne or Wendy, not her. She always believed that their relationship was just a caprice for Tony. Another game for him to play but never won. But apparently she was wrong, she wasn't just a game to him, that maybe she was actually the medal he wanted to end with, and that he could actually be proud of. In Somalia he told her that he couldn't live without her, not to mention the he got captured on purpose so that he could take down Saleem to avenge her death. Or what about the countless days he spent searching her in the Middle East? How was she stupid enough to believe that Tony would move on?

Ziva pulled over to the edge of road, turning off the engine. She buried her head into her hands. She started thinking about what just happened in that hotel room. She just kept seeing his face, that face that he missed so much this pass year, but her focus went straight to those two beautiful hazel eyes, which were full of hurt, because of her, yet again.

She thought about that day that Tony had found her at the farmhouse, and what she said to him. 'Deena was right. The center of all this pain is me.' I thought I was protecting him, and them. But I was wrong, I am only making everything worse, she told herself.

It wasn't long after, sobs filled the car. She thought that crying might help her to ease the pain she felt in that moment, but one thing was for sure, it would never take it away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone, I am sorry that it has taken me this long to post this chapter, life is hard and busy. And I hate it. But I am shooting for the next chapter to be the last one, but who knows how that is going to go with the way my schedule has been. I again want to thank you all for everything that you do, like favoriting, following, and reviewing. It really means a lot. Also, remember that I love you all, so please do not kill or hate me after reading the next couple of chapters.. **

**-Ju**

* * *

She had been in that place before, but she could not remember when or where it was. Spinning around, she tried to take in her surroundings. She was inside an empty mall but for some strange reason it was familiar to her. At first, she thought it was in D.C., the mall where she would go shopping and drink coffee on weekends with Abby, or the place where she chased someone down along with Tony and McGee. But the more she thought about what was written on the walls and what language it was in, the realization hit her. It wasn't a mall in D.C., but in Israel and it did not exist anymore.

It couldn't exist anymore. It was destroyed by an explosion many years ago that had killed her little sister, Tali. But if that mall still existed then so did…

"Hey Ziva," a young familiar voice called her name. Ziva's eyes opened wide in disbelief.

Turning her head to find that she was facing a girl with long brown, curly hair and brown eyes, just the same as Ziva. Almost identical.

"Tali?" Ziva asked tears pooling to her eyes. Ziva took a step forward, and Tali took a step back, an action that Ziva did not understand, and it hurt.

"It is not what you think, Ziva. I know you think that I am real and that I do not want to hug you but it is not like that. You are just dreaming Ziva," Tali explained as she leaned against on the wall and crossed her arms in front of her chest, just as Ziva always does.

"I have not dreamt about you since..." Ziva started but Tali cut her off.

"Since that night in your partner's apartment when Abba died. You dreamt about my death then." Ziva nodded, sighing.

Tali pushed herself from the wall and sat on the table leaning her elbows on it. "Please sit," she gestured to her sister but Ziva hesitated.

"Ziva, sit. I do not bite anymore. Only you cannot touch me, because I am dead," she explained and Ziva sat down across from her hesitantly.

"Are you sure that I am not dead too because…" Tali didn't let her finish.

"Ziva, you are not dead. You are just having a very meaningful dream while you sleep," the teenager gave her a reassuring smile.

There was a silence before Tali spoke again.

"So, why?" she asked and Ziva raised an eyebrow, "Why did you leave America and come back to Israel?" she clarified and Ziva sighed again.

"Because," she hesitated, and looked at her little sister and knew that there was no reason in trying to hide the real reason, "because I wanted to change."

"Change what?"

"Myself. What I was. The warrior. The soldier. NCIS has reminded me of my old life and…"

"And Israel did not?" Tali questioned her sarcastically.

Ziva didn't say a word. She didn't having anything to say. Tali was right. So she just looked down at the table.

"That is what I thought," Tali said "Who are you trying to fool Ziva?" She went on, "Yourself? Me? The people that love you?" She continued.

"You do not understand," Ziva tried to counter.

"Try me," Tali challenging her older sister. She leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Fine. Well after the mess with Bodnar and Parsons, I felt that it would be best if I left the team, I thought that if I came to Israel that I would be making everything easier on them. I also wanted time for myself and try to make peace with our father but I was attacked by some men, and then…" Ziva was interrupted.

"You met Deena," Tali finished her sentence and Ziva nodded. "And she told you all these bulls…"

"Tali, watch your mouth, you hear me?" Ziva cut her off, a little angry and Tali burst out laughing.

"Oh, Ziva, even when I am dead you still act like I am alive," she said laughing lightly. "Anyway I think you overreacted. She was mad and you are not the center of pain like you say you are," she went on.

"Really?" Ziva asked in disbelief. "I am alone. My whole family is dead. Everyone I love is dead. You, Ima, Abba, Ari, whom _I_ shot."

"You did what you had to do to save an innocent man, Ziva. I am sure Ari would have done the same thing," she fired back in a serious tone. "By the way, you are not alone," she said kind of coldly.

Ziva flinched hearing that phrase because of everything that it reminded her of. Tony and her father, but mostly Tony.

"You have your surrogate family Ziva. Gibbs, Abby, that MIT guy McGee, Palmer, Ducky, not to mention Tony," she said smiling devilishly.

"How…" Ziva started, "how do you know that?"

Tali chuckled, "Hello? I am dead. Besides, eternity is so boring when you're alone. So I decided that I have to have company with some familiar faces to you, like our parents, Jenny, Paula, Gibbs' father, even Kate and Ari," she finished.

Ziva looked at her in disbelief.

"Anyway, the fact that you wanted change was good but when you left America, you were stupid. You could have left just NCIS and stayed in America with you know who," Tali said with a smirk.

"I could not. I would have put Tony's life at risk," she tried to explained sighing, "besides after what happened with Adam, I destroyed everything we had built during the last year I was there and now with Tanner…" she said with tears in her eyes.

"Do you love him?" Tali asked barely above a whisper. Ziva nodded and buried her face in her hands.

"Ziva, why didn't you tell him? Now it is too late. You broke his heart for good this time and…" she trailed off sighing, "Kate was right I should not have come, it was pointless anyway. There is no going back," Tali stated with sadness and stood up from the chair.

"Wait! Where are you going? What do you mean it is already too late?" Ziva asked with worry. Tali looked at her with tearful eyes "Tali, why are you crying?" Ziva asked with concern.

"I am sorry, Ziva, I cannot tell you. I am so sorry, Ziva, I have to go," Tali's voice cracked.

"Tali wait, is there something wrong with Tony?" She asked, her heart beating furiously from worry. Locking her eyes on Ziva's, the girl nodded lightly.

"I am sorry Zivi, I…I have to go," Tali said swallowing the lump in her throat.

"Tali, please tell me. What happened to Tony? Please tell me," Ziva begged desperately as she stood up from her chair.

The teenager turned her head tears sliding down her cheeks "Ziva, just know that your leaving was the hardest thing for him, he was…" but she trailed off, "goodbye, Ziva," Tali said and she was gone. Ziva was left there alone.

"Tali, come back, please," Ziva whispered as the tears streamed down her cheeks, "Tali."

'Tali," Ziva startled herself awake. She wiped off the tears that were still falling down her cheeks and got to a sitting position on the bed she took in her surroundings. She wasn't at the mall anymore but in her dark bedroom in the farmhouse. She pushed the covers off of her and headed for her laptop. She managed to buy a ticket to D.C. which left in less than 2 hours. She found a suitcase and threw in two changes of clothes, some cash, and her passport. She made it to the airport in 45 minutes. If a normal person was driving, it would have taken them about an hour and a half to get there. Even with as fast she as was going to get to him, she could not prevent what was going to happen, because Tony's fate was already written, and no power in the world could change it, not even the strongest: love.


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright so I know that I have told you for like the last two chapter that it was going to be the end. Welllppp I lied, yet again, and I am sorry. BUT the next chapter is the for sure the last one, and I hope to have it uploaded by the end of the week. But ultimately I am aiming for Wednesday! Remember not to hate me when you are done reading this chapter. I have worked really hard on this chapter and the next. Also please remember that I love you all and all the support that you have given me and this story! Again thank you so so much! **

**-Ju **

* * *

It was a long night of flying and lay overs but she didn't care. The only thing she cared about was finding Tony. She called Gibbs because she knew that he would be with Tony wherever he might be. He told her that he was at the Georgetown University Hospital. She was there in record time.

When she showed up to the hospital she found Gibbs with the team and some girl that she had never seen before. That had to be the new team member. Man, she looks extremely young and not prepared enough to go into the field to protect her partner, she thought to herself.

She ran into Gibbs open arms, goodness she had missed his fatherly hugs. But something about this hug was different. There was sorrow in his embrace; not a 'welcome home, kid' hug that she wanted. She pulled back from Gibbs just a little so she could talk to him.

"How is he?" She asked wary. But no one answered her, Gibbs just pulled her in tighter. She knew what that meant. She tried to stay strong in front of her old team mates but the emotions were coming harder than she thought. So did the tears. She started to lose control of herself and Gibbs just held her tighter like a father should.

After she had calmed herself down some she asked again, "Gibbs, how is he?"

"Ziver…It's not looking so good," Gibbs spared her everything that he was told by the doctors because seeing his strong Mossad assassin daughter broken in his arms, he couldn't tell her anymore.

"Can I go see him?" She whispered.

"They aren't letting anyone go in to see him yet, they said maybe in an hour or two that we would be able to but he needs to rest for now," he spoke to her gently trying to make her feel safe.

"Okay," she said so softly he could barely hear her as she pushed herself from his arms and made her way to her old best friend.

"Ziva," Abby said sadly. Abby was the only one that knew how much Ziva loved Tony. Abby was also the only one Ziva had somewhat kept in contact with over her self finding mission. Yet she had not talked to Abby in a couple of months because she had been at the old farmhouse where she decided not to get internet. Abby also knew that Tony had came to Israel in search for her yet again because it was Abby that told him where to find her.

"Abby, I cannot lose him. He means everything to me and I was too stupid to admit it or actually show it. Why did I have to do this to him?" Ziva started to cry again and laid her head on Abby's lap.

"Ziva, you didn't do this, the person that shot him did. Everything will be fine. Tony is strong and stubborn when it comes to stuff like this. He's a fighter," Abby tried to comfort her lost friend.

"Abby, I am sorry that I left you without a goodbye or anything. I should have been a better friend like you have been to me. I hope that you will forgive me because I have really missed you," Ziva said with tears streaming down her face.

"I forgive you, Ziva. I understand why you did what you did. But I would have preferred you to have done it here, where we could have made sure you were safe and I would have my best friend," Abby said with a sad smile.

"Thank you, Abby," Ziva barely smiled back.

* * *

After about ten minutes of sobbing on Abby's lap, she let the exhaustion over take her. She slept on Abby's lap for about a hour and a half. When she woke up she noticed that McGee and Gibbs were no longer in the waiting room. Bishop, Ducky, and Palmer were talking quietly in the corner.

She looked up saw that Abby's eyes were red and swollen. Abby looked down at her and answered her unasked question, "Coffee."

Ziva nodded. She pushed herself up from laying down to sitting up to try and regain her composure.

She finally spotted Gibbs and McGee coming down the hall. She could smell the delicious coffee that they carried which made her stomach rumble. She hadn't eaten anything since she had left Israel. She had been too focused on getting here for Tony.

McGee made his way over to Ziva with two cups of coffee in his hands. He sat down next to her which Abby took as her cue to leave. Ziva watched as Abby joined the others in the corner.

McGee handed her one of the cups of coffee, "Here."

"Thank you," she smiled weakly. They sat there in silence for a couple of minutes neither one of them knowing how to start the conversation that they had been needing to have since she left.

"McGee."

"Ziva."

They said each other's names in unison. "Go ahead," Ziva motioned to McGee.

"I just want to tell you that I'm glad that you're here. I know that Tony would want you here even though I know that when he went to Israel it didn't exactly go so smooth. But I know that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and obviously you still love him," McGee leaned over and nudged Ziva with his elbow.

"I do so much that it hurts," Ziva admitted. "But now they do not even know if he is going to make it and I never even really told him. I mean I told him that night that I sent him away in Israel . . . in a way," she paused. She flashed back to the chilly night that she has regretted so many nights she can't even count.

**_Flashback_**

She looked into his eyes, "Tony you are so..." He looked at her like no man ever had and would never have a man look at her again in the same way. The thought sent daggers to her heart. He took a couple steps to close the gap between them.

"Handsome? Funny? What?" He asked flashing that infamous DiNozzo grin that had always made her go weak in the knees even though she would never admit that to him.

"Loved," she finally mustered up the courage to say that word to her former partner who was also the man that she truly loved. But yet she was standing there telling him to leave her behind. She felt the tears warm her cheeks as they dripped down her face.

He looked at her with so much love that it made her question everything that she was telling him to do. He grabbed her head, pulling her closer, and kissed her passionately, pouring every ounce of feelings he had for her into it. He pulled away just to catch his breath and then kissed her again, this time his kiss was softer but it meant just as much as the first.

He pulled away completely this time, "This is not easy," he spoke softly with tears threatening to escape his eyes. She handed him his coat as an effort to stay with her decision to not go back to D.C. with him. He nodded, turned, and headed for the plane. Half way there, he turned back around, "Hardest 180 of my life," he said with a tone that cut through her like nothing ever had. In that moment, she wanted to run after him and tell him not to go, to stay with her, but if she did that it would be completely selfish of her. That was the reason for her giving up badge; for her to become a better self. So she watched as the love of her life vanished into the plane. She hoped that he would soon find her Star of David necklace that she had put in there to tell him that she would come back one day when she was healed.

**_End of Flashback _**

"Ziva, are you okay?" McGee asked.

Ziva blinked and nodded. "Oh, I am sorry, McGee. I was lost in thought," she said as tears started falling down her face again. She hated how weak she had become.

"Are you sure that you're okay?"

"I will be when he wakes up," Ziva whispered.

"We all will be," he said.

"I am sorry that I never told you why I left and I am sorry that I never called. I really should have. I have missed you all so much but I thought you all would be better off without me," she said without looking up at him. She kept her eyes cast down at the coffee in her hands.

"Ziva, it's okay. I understand that this job can get really overbearing and hard to handle sometimes and you just need to get away. Trust me, I have wanted to get away too. But all of you have always brought me back to it. But I also haven't been seen near the amount of death that you have so I get why you wouldn't want to do it anymore," he confessed. "Ziva, just promise me that when Tony wakes up. you won't leave us again because none us will be able to handle that again, especially him."

"I promise. I will never leave him, or all of you guys again," she smile at him. "I have a question."

"Yes," McGee answered.

"What happened?" She asked.

"Well when he returned from Israel, he was not Tony. He was mean and constantly making comments to Bishop about how she needed to be more like you…" he paused. "So when we went to a call about a suspect in one of our BOLO's, we got to the house and there were two shooters instead of one like we were expecting. We took down the first shooter but Bishop saw the other takeoff running for the back and she decided to go after him, so Tony went after her, and after that I really don't know what happened. I heard a shot and then another. Then Bishop yelled for someone to dispatch an ambulance because Tony had been shot," he sighed.

Ziva had nothing to say. She couldn't believe that Tony would tell Bishop that she needed to be more like her. From the corner of her eye she saw Gibbs talking to the doctor from before. Before she knew it, she was up and out of her seat heading towards Gibbs.

"Can I go see him now?" She asked impatiently.

"You can, but I need to warn you that he is not going to respond to you. He is unresponsive. This is going to be goodbye, Ziver," Gibbs said as gentle as he could be.

"No, he can't die," she pushed past Gibbs and went to find his room.


	6. Chapter 6

**So it is Wednesday, and as I said in the last chapter, I would try and have this posted by today. Well here it is. I know that you all wanted a happy ending because of all of your wonderful reviews which I loved so much, buuuttttt I have had this story planned out from the moment that I posted the first chapter. But trust me I debated on changing everything I had planned out because I was/am afraid of the outcome of the support that I will receive. So just know that I love all the support that you all have given me and this story, and I hope that you continue to give me support on my future stories, and I promise that they won't be like this, or as extreme I guess as this one has turned out to be. **

* * *

She pushed through the double doors that separated the waiting room from the ICU and asked the perky blonde at the nurse's station where his room was and then she was on her way again. She thought if maybe she could talk to him one last time he would just somehow feel that she was there and then he would fight harder. She couldn't lose him anymore than she already had after this past year.

When she got to his room she stopped in at the doorway and took a deep breath to try to calm herself down before she faced the strongest, most loving man she knows in his weakest state. Slowly, she pushed the door open and took in the scene that was in front of her.

There were machines beeping loud and continuously. There were wires and tubes coming off of him in so many directions. He didn't look like Tony at all. He looked sad and beaten. She pulled a chair as close to the bed as she could get it. She put her hand in his hoping that he would realize it was her and squeeze it back but he never did.

Minutes ticked by of her just sitting there listening to the beeping of the machines and letting the tears fall down her face. After a while the silence of the room started to eat at her.

"Tony, I do not even know where to begin…" she paused so she could compose herself. She went on, "I know that I have not been here this past year and it was a really crabby of me- I do not think that I used the right word there and in my head I can hear you correcting me, but I need you out of my head and here correcting me in person. I know that I always said that it annoyed me when you corrected my English but in honesty it just made me fall harder for you because it made me feel like you actually cared enough to help me understand what you all talked about." She stopped for a moment to study him but nothing about his face changed, not even the numbers on the machines.

The tears came harder. "Hey you remember when you came and saved my ass in Somalia?" She waited for him to answer her and when he didn't, she went on, "you said that you couldn't live without me, and back then I didn't know what you meant. But now I understand what you meant because this past year it was the hardest thing in the world to do and right now there is no way that I could live without you. Please just wake up. We are all here waiting for you to wake up and give us that beautiful DiNozzo smile," she moved her thumb back and forth on the top of his hand as she held it still hoping that he would squeeze it back.

The nurse came in and told her that in twenty minutes they were going to come in and change his sheets as well as rotate him so she would have to leave, but she was more than welcome to come back after they were done. So she took the time she had left to stop rambling and actually tell him everything that she needed to say.

"Tony…" she hesitated as she wiped the tears that spilled down her cheek with her fingers of her free hand. "Never in a million years would I expect to be here. I was the Mossad assassin that had no feelings but it was you that made me feel what it was like to be jealous of someone I didn't even know. It was you that taught me how to love. Now I have learned how to love and the one person that I love more than anything in the world is leaving me. I know right now that I am being selfish about this whole thing but you were… are my partner and I love you so much that it hurts. There has been so many things that I've done to you in the past nine years that I have known you. Some of which I did not know that I was doing and others I did on purpose…" She stopped and took in a long calming breath. "Tony, I am sorry that I made you leave me at the tarmac in Israel even after everything that we had been through together. I hope that one day that you will forgive me for what happened this last time in Israel. I just want you to know that you are my soul-mate, no one else, only you. I have never loved anyone like I love you. So please, Tony, open those big, beautiful, green eyes," she had just finished as the nursed walked in.

She stood up from the chair, squeezing his hand once more and kissed his forehead. She whispered in his ear, "I love you, Mon petit pos," It was then when she notice the numbers on the screen had dropped some since the last time she had checked them but they never beeped uncontrollably. She was starting to tremble when she left his room. She was just about to turn the corner when she heard a loud continuous beeping and a nurse yell, "Code Red!" Ziva looked back and noticed that everyone was running into Tony's room. Her heart dropped. She tried to run to his room but she was caught by someone's arm wrapping around her.

"Let them do their jobs, Ziver," Gibbs told her. Her tears came again full force as the closest thing she had to a father held her as she listened to the love of her life join her sister, Tali, in heaven.

* * *

They were all dressed in black. It was a small service; the team, the director, and Tony's father. When they were to say there last goodbyes, Ziva asked to be left alone. They all did as she asked.

"Hey, I went to NCIS yesterday to clean out your desk and I found something that I thought you'd like to have," she pulled a gold chain from her pocket and put it in the left chest pocket of the suit they had put him in. "When I gave you this a year or so ago I meant it as a token of my love and a sign to you that I would come home to eventually. None of this was supposed to happen and it is all my fault that this happened. If I wouldn't have been so selfish a year ago and just came home with you then maybe we would not be in this place and situation. I love you so much." She paused. She placed her hand on his for the last time and whispered as the tears continued to fall down her face, "I never meant to hurt you."

* * *

**So there you have it. And I hope that you don't hate me. I wanted to have something different then anything that I have read lately. **

**Also I will be taking a little bit of a writing break, so that I can focus more on college and softball. I may end up writing one-shots every once in awhile, if my muse takes over, or if I just don't want to do homework in study hall, which happens a lot. :) So please review and let me know what you thought about the last chapter, and the story in general, because it will help me in the long run of writing for you all. :) Thank you all so much for everything once again! :)**

**Love always,**

**-Ju **


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